My young son loves doing dot-to-dots. He started with the very simply ones that form an outline of a figure or object and has recently graduated to the more complex puzzles in which lines cross to make intricate patterns, revealing in the end detailed images. Connecting the dots in life gives us a chance to gain an understanding of the events in our lives that reveals an intricate pattern.

When we experience life as a series of random events, we can feel at most times that we are either catching our breath, losing our breath or wasting our breath. Peace seems like an illusion because Life seems random.  Learning to step back and see the full picture can help us begin to live less out of reaction and more from intent.

Identifying the large themes in life can be both rewarding and painful. For some of us, the broad patterns are about where we came from – our family of origin, choices in dating and marriage, traumatic experiences. For others it’s spiritual crisis, betrayal, or ongoing feelings of depression. Whatever the theme in your life, often it repeats itself until you “get it.” In part, that’s because we respond to it in particular ways until we learn its lessons.

Ways of “Being” in the World

For some, “to be” means to know. They take in and engage life in their heads. Life is about ideas, about figuring out what might happen (especially the bad stuff), or simply about finding ways to distract oneself. Unfortunately, worry, over-intellectualization, and trying to find ways to avoid reality leave little time for genuine emotion, connection with others, or spiritual engagement. In fact, even the pursuit of these can become another exercise of the head.

For others, “to be” means to feel. They embrace life, and especially people, with warmth. But they have their own way of playing games. The emotional awareness is a pointed way of gaining others’ appreciation and love, admiration, and even of achieving success. But intense, maybe even exaggerated, emotions are exhausting for a person. One can become tired and drained.

Still others seem “to be” by acting. They use power and their sense of “rightness” to bring about their version of justice and to try to fix the people and messed up world around them. They “feel” life with their bodies. But feeling constantly punched in the gut by life and others is also draining. And spending energy fixing everyone else can be isolating.

Connecting the Dots

So to begin connecting the dots requires first an understanding of the lens through which you receive life. Your understanding of the pattern in the dots will grow as you learn to embrace new ways of seeing Life. And as your capacity for perceiving the Real grows, you will begin to answer questions like What are the patterns in my life? And what do they mean? What do they tell me about myself and my way of seeing Life and Reality? How do these patterns point me toward the Real?  How do I come to know God in the midst of these patterns?  And what does it mean about me that these are my patterns?

And with awareness comes the possibility of change. Until we understand the ways we perceive and respond to life, we live by compulsion. When we see that our mode of “being” in life is simply one of many options, we can live differently – we become able to “simply be.” And peace becomes a possibility.

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Now, let me be clear. I’m not a legal scholar. Nor do I know all the facts in the case. I only know what was reported in the article – just like most others. And that’s what worries me. Here’s why.

The judge in the case decided that this particular occasion of domestic violence was sufficiently mild that it was his judgement that the husband should be required to take his wife on a date to a local restaurant complete with clean clothes and flowers. I love common-sense justice and at that level was intrigued by the non-traditional sentence.

But having worked as a therapist with victims of domestic violence, I’m concerned about what this judgement communicates to others. You see, spousal abuse is about much more than a man who hits his wife and then needs to say ‘I’m sorry’ in an elaborate way.  In fact, what the judge has just required this husband to do is played out over and over in abusive relationships.  The abuser acts out (physically, verbally, emotionally).  Then the abuser feels bad about it…maybe the victim even threatens to leave.  Then the abuser apologizes and tries to “make up for it.”  Often the abuser promises never to do it again.  Then after some period, the abuser does it again.  The cycle can be short or long – it can happen several times a day or take years to play out.  But the point is…it is a pattern.

Was the judge wrong in the case in Miami?  Maybe not.  I don’t really know all the facts.  But the message communicated to any other abuser is this: “keep going the way you are…you’re doing it right!”  And that’s a veritable injustice.

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• The couple gets to watch another couple walk the ups and downs, the highs and lows, of life.  It provides a kind of model for their own journey.
• Friendship with another couple kindles a fresh appreciation of each other in marriage.  One gets to see his or her partner in a new way and appreciate afresh their wit, charm, warmth or kindness.  Watching one’s partner in a close personal relationship can be refreshing and positive.
• Friendship with another couple helps keep the couple – and the family – from becoming isolated.  Isolation is one of the marks of a dysfunctional family and marriage.  Maintaining a close friendship with another couple and engaging with them socially is a great way to avoid isolation.

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Resisting temptation is easy, we’re sometimes told, if we just think about it the right way.  A married man, for instance, when meeting a beautiful, “tempting” woman needs to remember he’s married…like Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story repeating the mantra “I’m a married spud, I’m a married spud” when he meets Barbie.  Or an alcoholic needs to remember how alcohol ruins her life and relationships.  The dieter when meeting a piece of cake needs to tell himself, “I’m dieting…no thanks.”  Or the workaholic just needs to remember that the world won’t fall apart if the Blackberry is turned off for a while. 

“Good” thinking can, indeed, help in the presence of temptation.  It helps us remember the larger picture, keeping ourselves, our problems, and our temptations in perspective of other motivators.

Thinking doesn’t always win

But for many, and especially for a person fighting an addiciton, that doesn’t always work…in fact for some it seldom works.  Why is that?  Alcoholics Anonymous calls it “stinkin’ thinkin’.”  When working with my addiction counseling clients, we refer to it as “addict brain.”  It happens when our reasoning gets twisted in the presence of temptation in a way that leads us toward acting on temptation rather than leading us away.  The recovering alcoholic starts to reason that she can stop going to recovery meetings because she is doing so well.  Besides, hearing all those people talking about their problems is such a downer…it’s not helping, it’s really making things worse!  Or the husband who decides that he’d never have an affair with a woman, so he deserves the little treat of some porn every now and then as a reward for his “faithfulness”.  And besides, he thinks, it’s really good for his marriage because it keeps him more even-tempered and relaxed.

How do we reconcile the two experiences…that sometimes reason acts as a defense against acting out and sometimes it leads us straight into it?  A recent study published in Psychological Science tried to make sense of the seemingly polarized experiences.

A devil on both shoulder

Here’s the basic gist.  We often see the experience of temptation as having a devil (desire…passion) on one shoulder trying to talk us into doing something bad.  Meanwhile, we have an angel (reason…”good” thinking) on the other shoulder trying to help us do the right thing.  But the study shows that when we are in a “hot” physical state – one that is vulnerable or prone to acting out like the dieter who is hungry or the alcoholic who is stressed or overly tired – our “good” thinking actually becomes twisted.

If we think of the reason versus passion struggle, we tend to think that cognition serves long-term interests and passion serves immediate gratification—the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  We also think that if [you act on the temptation], your thoughts—the angel—are in the right place, but you give into temptation—the devil.

This is not accurate, actually. Yes, need or desire abets impulsivity, but it also corrupts the cognitive processes that would help you interrupt that behavior.

In other words, the physical state one is in when entering into temptation changes the way the person reasons about the tempting situation.  “Good” thinking becomes corrupted when we are in a “hot” physical state.  So rather than keeping us from acting out, our thinking actually helps take us there.  It’s more like having a devil on both shoulders!

If thinking doesn’t win, then what does?

A number of things can be helpful, but most of them require preparation and even rehearsal.  Below are some ideas you can consider developing if you are fighting temptation.

• Relationships matter.

  Friends can talk sense into us when our “good” thinking fails us.  Just the act of verbalizing the reasoning that’s going on in our heads can sometimes be enough to wake us up to realize how twisted our thinking is in the moment.  “I’ll just eat cake for lunch because it’s the same number of calories as a meal” might work in our heads; but explaining that to a caring friend may not sound as reasonable.  So if you’re fighting a temptation, have a friend or two lined up whom you can call or text at a moment’s notice.  When you realize you’re in the presence of your temptation, make a habit of contacting that person.

• Grace.

  Psychiatrist Gerald May says in his book Addiction and Grace, “to be alive is to be addicted, and to be addicted is to be in need of grace.”  May’s perspective is not a negative, fatalistic message, but one that recognizes the spiritual need for grace to overcome temptations in life.

• Other resources.

  Look for the things, people, and places that bring happiness and comfort.  When facing temptation, put yourself in contact with those resources.  That may mean physically going to a place that helps calm you.  Or it may mean taking the 30 seconds you have and going to your “happy place” in your imagination.  The effect can be enough to bring you back from the edge.

• Relaxation.

  Finally, using relaxation techniques can help change your physical state – reduce the “hot” state as the study calls is – so that your thinking is less twisted.  Anything from 20 seconds spent taking three slow, deep breaths to 10 minutes spent on progressive muscle relaxation can be helpful.

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More than that, many of those using antidepressant medications had not seen a doctor in more than a year.  Thus, the consensus conclusion (USToday, FoxNews, etc.) is that many people are looking to antidepressants as a quick-fix for depression and anxiety.

As Dr. Alvarez notes in the FoxNews article,

I think Americans are being aggressively over-diagnosed and have become too sensitive to minor health problems. We have started to believe that we shouldn’t have to live our lives with problems or depression, and picking up a pill is a quick fix to feel better. So we have set a mindset where folks don’t want to deal with any sort of issue…

The Spirituality of Suffering

So, it seems Dr. Alvarez thinks our culture is in an epidemic of escapism and we are using prescription medication to do it.  But does it really matter?  Why shouldn’t we escape pain?  If a pill is available to stop the hurt, why not take it?

Mind you, I’m not a sadist nor a masochist.  I don’t like pain any more than the next person nor do I relish inflicting or prolonging pain for anyone.  But in addition to my own pain, I sit with hurting people week in and week out.  And my observation is that Richard Rohr, author of Everything Belongs, is correct when he says there are two primary roads of transformation: prayer and suffering.  And the truth is most of us don’t do transformative prayer very well, so all that’s left is pain.  And it is indeed transformational if we will listen. 

But what does it say when we, as a culture, no longer have the nerve to receive suffering in a transformational way?  It means we have almost completely cut off the lifelines of spiritual vitality.  Do you want to grow, to truly see your spiritual life transformed?  Listen to your suffering and learn from it.  Not only will you learn something about yourself, but you will learn something about God.  As John Calvin, one of the leaders of the protestant reformation wrote in his book The Institutes of the Christian Religion wrote, “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self.  And there is no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.”  And suffering helps us learn.

If you’d like to explore the impact of suffering in your spiritual life, consider talking with a pastor or a counselor who is trained in integrating faith issues into therapy.

Disclaimer

Just to be clear, antidepressants are at times very necessary and appropriate for individuals.  I do not believe that all people using antidepressants are escapists nor that antidepressants are not beneficial in some situations.  If you have been prescribed an antidepressant, don’t just stop taking it because you read my article and you’ve decided you want to learn a few things spiritually.  That’s really not a good idea. 

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People are dissatisfied in their jobs because they don’t like the kind of work they’re doing.  People feel better about their jobs when they find their work meaningful and challenging.  Although it’s a tough job market right now and many people are afraid to rock the career boat, there are some things you can do now to help you realign your career to make sure your work is meaningful to you in the long run.

Discover your career fit

John Holland put careers into six categories.  He found that people also fit loosely into one of the six categories.  His approach says that when your career is in the category that you are, you are going to have a higher job satisfaction.  You can visit www.self-directed-search.com and for an investment of $5 and 20 minutes, you can discover your category and the careers that match that.  For many people, managing their career around their fit may be less about finding a different company to work for and instead finding different ways to incorporate meaningful work into their current job.  For instance, perhaps you can work on a special project that will allow you to do a type of work that fits your category while still holding on to your existing job.

Know your career values

The Career Values Card Sort allows you to prioritize your values and then rank careers you are considering based on those values.  The online value-sorting takes 5-10 minutes and instructions follow for completing the Career Values worksheet.  You can perform the values sort periodically as one’s values often change as one’s life situation changes.

See a counselor

Working through career problems with a counselor can be a great way to help you sort out and move beyond issues that may be keeping you from making necessary changes.  Is fear keeping you trapped?  Do feelings of failure overshadow you?  Do you feel powerless to make a change?  Consider making an appointment with a counselor who can help you process your concerns and make a plan to move beyond them.

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liewcf

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Therapists have Little Faith

Statistically speaking, it is true that fewer therapists have faith than most Americans.  As I’ve noted in my comments about my counseling services and approach, research shows that a vast majority of Americans – about 90% – believe in God compared with only about half of psychologists and psychiatrists.  Further, 72% of the general population described religious faith as the most important influence in their lives as compared with only 33% of clinical psychologists.  These findings were consistent with previous research. 

So, what does this mean to you if you are thinking about starting therapy?  Well, research has shown that the outcome of therapy is better when the client’s religious beliefs and practices are incorporated into the therapeutic process.  The therapist and client don’t have to see things exactly the same way.  But the therapist needs enough understanding of your faith tradition to integrate your faith perspective in the counseling room.

Therapist Training

So, why the disparity in religious faith between clinicians and the rest of America?  The reasons are many.  But one significant contributing factor is the training process for therapists and counselors.  One survey of psychology text books showed that although religion plays a prominent role in most peoples’ lives, faith issues are largely ignored in most psychology text books (Kirkpatrick, L., & Spilka, B., 1989).  Further, a “values-neutral” approach is cultivated throughout the training of many clinicians, teaching them to be hands-off with such a value-laden area as religious belief.  And what of those who are doing the teaching and training?  A 1994 survey of academics found that half of psychology professors claimed no religious preferences, placing them among the least religious academics. 

What Does it Mean?

First, as noted above, you should be aware of your therapist’s religious orientation and, even more importantly, the counselor’s ability and willingness to integrate your faith perspective into the therapeutic process. Most are not trained to do that.  Look for someone who is.  This factor will have an impact on the outcome of your therapy.

Second, don’t be afraid as a consumer of psychotherapy services to bring your faith into the counseling room.  Doing so will help ensure the best possible outcome for your therapy.  If your therapist reacts negatively or you feel that your faith values are discounted, it may be time to consider looking for a new therapist.

Third, if you bring your faith values into the room, don’t expect the therapist to share those exact perspectives.  The issue is not an exact match in perspective; rather the goal is for the therapist to be able to integrate your faith perspectives into the counseling process.

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It’s worth noting that recent studies have shown that while medication is appropriate and necessary in some cases, depression can be treated through some forms of counseling or therapy as effectively as with medication. 

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A recent CNN article entitled What’s fueling Bible Belt divorces, based on recently released US Census Bureau statistics about marriages and divorces, cites some interesting statistics and also makes some interesting speculations.

The bottom line statistics are these: people in most US southern states, which are home to the highest percentages of Christians in the country, are more likely than the rest of the country to marry and also to get a divorce. 

Those are facts…and they are interesting facts.  But let’s clear up a few things about the article.  First, no statistics are cited to explain why southerners are more likely to marry or divorce – only speculation is offered.  Second, erroneous speculations are offered…yes, the article suggests a reason for the northeast’s lower divorce rates that has actually been shown through research to have a negative impact on marital outcome (i.e., correlates to higher divorce rates.) So let’s talk about that for a minute. 

The “Living Together” Cohabitation Effect

The article cites “a married mother of two girls [who] made many decisions that could keep her 13-year marriage strong. She finished college, explored different careers, dated a few different men and lived with one boyfriend before figuring out what she wanted in a mate.”  The author might be understood to say that living together, or cohabitation, before marriage is a way to make marriage successful.  Many marriage therapists will say that living together before marriage will yield lower odds of divorce because one gets to “try it out” to see if it will work with the person.  Really? 

Actually the stats are pretty clear.  Living together before marriage provides no identified benefits to subsequent marriage.  In fact, when a couple decides to live together before they are engaged, they are likely to suffer significantly higher negativity in their marriage, enjoy less positive elements in marriage, and have a higher risk of divorce (Kline, et al., 2004; Rhoades, et al., 2009; Stanley, et al., 2010).

Values and Behavior

If you want the real money quote, here it is.  Quoting a George Washington University law professor, the author says, “‘There’s a moral crisis in red states that’s produced by higher divorce rates and the disparity between parental values and behavior of young adults,’ said Cahn. ‘There is enormous tension between moral values and actual practices.'” There it is.  Professed values are different than practiced values.  The behaviors of “the Bible Belt” don’t seem to match the moral values they profess. 

The point is well taken.  Examining one’s behaviors in light of values can be a difficult, enlightening, and sometimes humiliating undertaking.  To do so takes a ruthless commitment to honesty.  But if your marriage is in trouble, considering the influence your professed values might have on your next steps could be helpful. 

Building a Healthy Marriage is about Building Friendship

OK, so that’s a lot of statistics-speak.  What does it actually mean?  Well, regardless of where you live, if you want your marriage to be strong and healthy, you need to work to make it that way.  Good marriages don’t make themselves.  John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that growing the friendship between spouses is key to a successful marriage.  It means getting to know each other, learning to turn toward and be influenced by each other, learning how to resolve differences and hear each others’ hearts and dreams.  Sounds simple, right?  But if yours is one of the marriages that is teetering on the brink of becoming a statistic, those simple things can feel like an insurmountable mountain.  Perhaps marriage therapy can help you pull back from the brink.

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We all know that bad things happen to families.  Sometimes those family problems turn into “problems” – the theme of my first post. And for some families, things begin to go downhill.  The family “problems” get worse as various factors bear down – the theme of my second post. But sometimes the family bounces back.  Something happens that helps them heal as they respond to the family “problem.”  What are the factors that help restore healthy family functioning?

• Turning Point

  Families that heal experience a turning point…something that changes the way the family sees the “problem.”  For some, it’s just “dumb luck” and things start to get better.  For others, it’s a combination of other factors.  But a family in crisis needs something to shake them out of the way they are living in the problem.

• “We” Attitude

  Families that recover from problems develop a “we” orientation.  A “we” orientation means an increased sense of family togetherness and mutual emotional support.  Instead of seeing someone inside the family as being the problem, the family bands together in addressing the issues that have led to the problem.  A “we” orientation also adjusts family imbalances that may have caused some members to feel isolated or left out and without a say.  Finally, a “we” attitude means the family cares about meeting the needs of all its members.

• Reduced Stress

  Once the family begins to develop a “we” orientation, anxiety and tensions in the family start to go down.  The “we” orientation along with reduced anxiety makes it possible for the family to start seeing themselves in a different light…parents and kids start to experience the family in a more healthy way, giving them hope about other areas (like the “problem.”)

• Reassurance from Family and Community

  Even a low level of reassurance and support from extended family and the people around the family (church, preschool teacher, neighbors, doctor, therapist, etc.) help the family recover.

• Flexible Explanations and Solutions

  We can all get caught in the cycle of feeling that what is happening now is what will always be happening.  But families that improve get input that helps them see the “problem” as normal development or as being transitory.  Just knowing that life may be different tomorrow is a powerful part of making life different tomorrow.  Once the horizon is broadened in thinking about the cause, then naturally new solutions are on the table.

Family Therapy

So, what is the role of a family therapist?  Therapy is often a defining turning point for families in crisis.  The therapist works to help bring a positive change in the way the family is organized and functioning, resulting in a more helpful “we” attitude.  The counselor can also be a powerful voice of encouragement in addition to helping the family look for and listen to other encouraging voices.  And the therapist helps the family awaken to new explanations and possibilities for the “problem,” helping them begin to write a new ending for a problem that seems as though it will never end.

Posts in this series:
1. How Family Problems Develop
2. How Family Problems Get Worse
3. How Family Problems Get Worse

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Source:
Dallos, R., & Hamilton-Brown, L. (2000). Pathways to problems-an exploratory study of how problems evolve vs dissolve in families. Journal of Family Therapy, 22(4), 375.

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